S O M B A D I C A R E S
This protocol A) prevents bad feelings and B) increases pleasure and intimacy during and after intimate/sexual contact with a new person.
Go through these points together.
Be honest and give your counterpart a fair picture so they know with what and whom they are engaging with. Expect the same of the other person.
Take the time you need – it can be anywhere from twenty minutes to some days. Don’t rush or let someone rush you.
This acronym helps you to not forget about important points. Not all of them are necessary in every situation – use decernment and make it fun! 🙂
This is a about safety. How are we going to prevent conception and STIs?
The pill or knowing ones cycle prevents conception, but not STIs.
Clarify this, to not argue or be overwhelmed later on while your hormones are on fire and you can’t think clearly 😉
Rule of thumb: better safe than sorry – when in doubt, use a condom.
Orgasms are magical.
We all love them.
And people feel different about them. They reach them differently and give different meaning to them. Talking about this can release tension and doubt.
Maybe a person does not reach orgasm and that’s fine for them. Others come early and want to go for an extended second round afterwards.
Some people need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasms, others vaginal.
Where do you want to ejaculate? And where not?
Do you like to witness the orgasm of the other person fully and does it give you pleasure?
When you are orgasming you want to be totally immersed in the moment and enjoy fully. Make sure to be free from thoughts like ‚Is this ok? Am I allowed to come like this? What are they thinking?‘ – you are missing out on extasy!
What does this intimate interaction mean to you? Why are engaging with each other sexually? Do you want to deepen or establish an emotional closeness? Do you want to enjoy each others bodies?
What does it mean to you that you had sex? Is this a one-night stand or are you a couple then?
Get to know the other persons motivation and intention and evaluate if this is a fit for your values and your motivation.
Crucial! Know your boundaries and communicate them. Even if you think ‚This is natural. We don’t have to mention that.‘ – do it!
What part of your body is off limits to be touched? Where do you not want to be licked? What about pain? Where is the limit? Talk about pain. Talk about body fluids, your butt hole, verbal and physical abuse.
Don’t let yourself be talked into something which is not aligned with your boundaries!
Knowing the boundaries of the other person is extremely freeing, because you now can explore and act freely within these. And at the same time it makes you feel secure, because (given basic trust) the other person won’t act in a way which you are not comfortable with.
Be careful if someone tells you they have no boundaries – this means they haven’t taken their time to feel into it and therefore you might cross a boundary that they didn’t even know themselves. Everybody has boundaries!
This is a must. Talk about what happens after you had fun.
How are you going to behave with each other later this night, the next morning, the week after,…?
What does this encounter imply?
Do you need cuddling? Do you want to leave and be/sleep alone? Do you want a phone number to be able to stay in contact? Does it mean that you will engage more often? If you meet during a festival or a retreat, are you ‚bound‘ for that time? How do you feel about hooking up with other people the next day?
Prevent surprises which could result in uncomfortable feelings for one or both of you. Be honest with what you need and what you want. If there are significant differences which can’t be aligned, reconsider engaging with each other.
This is the fun part!
What do you like? Where do you want to be touched and how? What do you want to try?
This can be general or just for this encounter.
You can go into details (might count as foreplay 😉 ) or skip this completely and explore freely. Both can be fun!
Everybody is insecure about something – especially in the sexual context. The look or feel of a certain part of their body, noises they make, how and when they orgasm, their smell,…
It’s shame, the fear of rejection. This occupies the mind and decreases fun and pleasure.
Talking openly about this insecurities is their kryptonite – it weakens and kills them.
You will feel very released after you e.g. said ‚I feel insecure about the acne on my back.‘ or ‚I make weird noises when I’m about to come‘, whatever it may be. It’s out there now and not on your mind alone anymore. And you will be surprised that very often your counterpart will smile and be like ‚Don’t worry.‘.
On top: By doing this you are showing yourself vulnerable and therefore increase emotional intimacy and trust.
If you share friends, work in the same company or are in a some other group where people know both of you, consider how to handle your new ‚had sex‘ state. For social systems this can be gunpowder. Make sure to minimize bad feelings and surprises.
Are you sharing this and when? Who is allowed to know about this? Who can never know about his?
How does it affect your relationship and social role?
This can be skipped if you are e.g. hooking up with a stranger in a foreign city – but is very relevant if you are getting laid by your boss.
You want to know in what state of consciousness your counterpart is when you are getting intimate.
In what way is your mind currently altered or influenced?
Are you under influence of drugs (including alcohol)?
Are you mentally stable? Are you in a emotional crises? Are you depressed?
This does not have to be a show-stopper, but be honest and evaluate what you are willing to engage with.
This is about romantic relationships.
Are you single? Are you dating more people? Are you in a relationship? What are the ‚rules‘ there? Open relationship? Marriage? Polyamory? Will the signifacant other be told about you and this encounter? Are you cheating?
Give the other person a clear view of the social system they are entering when engaging with you.
And consider if you want to enter the system of the other person.
What are your expectations for this encounter? What do you expect from each other?
Is there something on your mind, which you feel should be said?
What is important to you?
This can have similarities to the ‚meaning‘ point.
Sexually Transmitted Infections – you don’t want to catch them and don’t want to spread them.
Talk about when you have been tested the last time and for what.
Communicate if you are aware of an infection or desease that you carry. Even if it is (currently) non-transmittable.
Recommendation: test for common STIs once a year if you are sexually active and not in a monogamous relationship.